Friday, February 20, 2009

Late Night Blogging

It seems I really have not had the energy or the desire to blog lately. I am not really sure why that is, but it has been a while.

So tonight, I find myself wide awake at 2:30 in the morning...lots of thoughts running through my head, and I just can't seem to sleep. So here I am.

Most of my thoughts are surrounding a ministry project I was asked to help with over a year ago. I was so thrilled to be a part of it...put all of my energy and passion into it for about a year. Long hours, hard work (physical and mental). And in a matter of moments, it was all gone...for some reasons I have yet to understand.

It is hard because I know that there are fragments of the work around that reflect the time, effort and money put in to this ministry that never was...and sometimes (on nights like tonight) I wake up and think about it...wondering what I could have done differently.

Was it just a waste of the Lord's money? We still have supplies sitting in boxes...some of the very expensive.

Why did those in charge allow it to go as far as they did if they did not support it 100%?

Why does it still hurt?

Where has my passion gone?

As I sit here in tears just thinking about it all, I find that I am still hurt. I am not angry...just sad for what it could have been. Every now and then, there is talk about starting it up again, but in a much different form. I must confess, I have lost all passion for the project. I see major mountains, and frankly, I am just too tired to climb them. This project needs leadership and vision...and the person who had that is no longer a part of the project...and boy, I just don't know if I can do it all over again on my own.

So I know most of this makes little sense to most of you...I just needed to write what was on my heart right now.

Father, help me walk in Your ways. Lead me, guide me and help me to follow. Heal the ache in my heart and give me passion to serve you today...

1 comments:

katiecutehair said...

Becks-
My heart hurts for you as I read this note. I know that you put everything you had in to making that ministry happen and I also know how crushed you were when they pulled the plug just before lift off... I can't say that I know or understand the reason for this, but I do know that God is good. He doesn't waste anything... My hearts desire for you is that you can regain your passion and be willing to take a chance again... You know I love you and that I will be praying with you.